Today I begin my 53rd trip around the sun, and boy is it hot out there!! In conjunction with my birthday, I also celebrate the Anniversary of my Blog. It has been 13 years since I started this blog! When I was turning the big 4-0, I was feeling like time was slipping away and I needed to do something new. So, I decided to start a blog. At the time, “Mommy Blogs” were gaining popularity so that is what my focus was, since I was a stay-at-home mom, homeschooling my kids. But soooo much has changed in these 13 years!
I never got a huge blog following, but my blog became my own little space, like a favorite room I could go into and spend some me time. Even though it was neglected often with the absence of my presence, it has always been here for me all these years. During this time, I have found my voice as a fictional writer, became a published author and met many dear friends in the blogsphere.
Finding my voice as a creative writer came at the same time that I found my voice in my life. It became clear to me the reason why my “Mommy Blog” never took off; I was struggling as a wife and mother and kept silent. Even though my blog was something just for me, the posts I wrote were shared with my husband before they were published. This was under the guise of being supportive, but in reality, it was a way of being controlled. Not in a forceful, I must read anything before you publish way, but in everything that I did, in my mind it was framed by the opinion of what my husband would think, and if he would approve. As I wrote articles in the beginning, they were really more so in his voice, not mine. But that all changed by the time I had posted my first short story in April of 2015, I was actively seeking counseling and it was confirmed I was in a mentally abusive marriage. That was the beginning of finding myself. Finally writing my own thoughts and ideas was so liberating. Once that door was opened, I never wanted to go back. No longer did I need his approval. It would be several years before I worked through my healing and go through the process of divorce. I still struggle from time to time with trusting my gut and not second guessing myself, but old habits are hard to die, as this was a 27-year marriage. During that time my blog was quiet. Not only because it was a very stressful time, but I was also building my bookkeeping business so I would have a way to support myself and my kids. My divorce was finalized the beginning of March 2020. I was so ready for this new chapter of my life! I decided to reclaim my maiden name so that I could truly walk in who I am. But then the pandemic hit and sidelined my newfound freedom. Thankfully, I built a work-from-home business, so I was able to continue working, only losing a few clients. It has truly been a blessing and I am so grateful to be able to provide for my family by doing something I love. Though bookkeeping can be mentally draining, which depletes any creative thinking, it has been my first priority and my writing has taken a back seat once again. But just like any back seat driver, it continues to remind me it is still there, nudging my thoughts with the occasional you really should be writing.
What I have learned through all this is that no matter how impossible things may seem, there is always a better day. You are never too old to follow your dreams or make a drastic change in your life. I just wanted to share my journey in hopes of encouraging someone, especially those in difficult marriages.
So, as I enjoyed my coffee this morning, and looked back at my life, this is where my thoughts had taken me. It took a while to get to where I am at, but I am excited for my future. I received my second vaccine shot on Friday, and things seem to be opening up again. The pandemic was not nice to my physical wellbeing and decided to leave me with a few extra pounds, having me feel every bit of my 53-year-old self. This has been a challenge for me since I have never actively exercised and didn’t have to worry about my weight. But I have purchased a treadmill and take walks outside and I am determined to get in better shape, so I have more energy, and that I don’t fall victim to heart disease that runs in my family. I am so excited that my kids gave me a new Cruiser bike and a Samsung Active Smartwatch to track my progress. My focus for this year, is better health and a better work/life balance so that I can return to my passion for writing. I have good intentions, but we all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. We also know that no matter how hard we plan, life likes to throw you a curve ball, just to keep it interesting. I plan to take it one day at a time and celebrate my small victories.